Total Mail Back
Lightening Up to a Better Mood
Confidentiality Note & Disclaimer: This former top secret file of the Travel Superlight Agency is now unclassified. However, the Agency takes no responsibility for any harm that results from the release of this information and denies that the work of Agent J, or that of any other field agent it employs in its mission to perfect the art of ultralight minimalist traveling, will actually help anyone at all.
Morning, K. Last day of the conference is…today! How did that happen so fast?! Spent some quality time at the expo yesterday. Nice to see familiar faces in the industry I hadn’t seen for a while.
As usual, lots of cool displays and demos showcasing the latest gadgetry in the ultralight travel industry. No shortage of free SWAG too! Sorry, K. I know you hate all these industry acronyms. Let’s try that again…No shortage of free “Stuff World Adventurers Get” too! See? Just doesn’t roll of the tongue as easily.
Not sure they realize that giving away a bunch of random frilly stuff to ultralight minimalists is actually counter to the whole ethos. Shouldn’t it work the other way around? We bring things to the show that we don’t want to lug around anymore and give it all back to the vendors? How about that for a change?
Anyway, my useless bag of trinket’s sitting over there in the corner by the door. As unintended it may have been, at least all that frivolous frippery served some small end purpose. The pile of junk actually inspired me to finally get around to writing this material for Agent W’s Basic Needs Reduction seminar. Take a gander and let me know what you think…
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Tracking
MISSION: J35767-2023E
DCN: 7390174
TDY: LAS VEGAS, NEVADA
DATE: 2025-08-07
TIME: 1:59 PM (PDT)
TO: AGENT K
FROM: AGENT J
CC: N/A
SUBJECT: KEY PERFORMANCE INDICATOR 005 - TOTAL MAIL BACKRelevant Class
SEMINAR: BASIC NEEDS REDUCTION
INSTRUCTOR: AGENT W
CLASS NO: AWT-252
CLASS: PARING IT DOWNBackground
“Spend more time packing.” Words one never would think they’d hear as a rookie field agent. If we’re practicing minimalism, shouldn’t getting ready for an outing be super fast and simple? Actually, the answer’s a solid “no.”
As new cadets learn both at the Academy and on their first assignments, one of the hardest parts of any mission surprisingly lies in the packing process. Exactly how much or little effort goes into this phase of a trip will become immediately apparent just a few steps out the door.
There’s no more telling metric as to how well you’ve done than your “Total Mail Back,” or TMB for short. Of all the Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) used to gauge mission success back at Headquarters, the TMB is numero uno. It’s one of the first things an operative will be asked on their return as to how an outing went.
“Good to see you! Welcome back! What was your TMB?” It doesn’t take long for rookie field agents to figure out just what this question is getting at. We all want to have good answers at our disposal. Hastily responding beneath the breath with a brief understated answer so you can quickly brush it aside to “move on to more important business” may actually draw more attention than you’d like to an embarrassing result.
Definitions
For the uninitiated, Total Mail Back is calculated as the sum of its two very distinct parts: tangibles and intangibles.
Tangible items that make up the TMB are known as Physical Mail Back, or PMB. The PMB is quite simply the total tangible mass of items sent back home that an agent’s deemed superfluous for the mission at hand.
The complementary term to the PMB is the Virtual Mail Back (VMB) which represents the sum of all intangible components that an ultralight minimalist traveler brings with them but ultimately finds utterly and completely useless for their assignment. The VMB includes all those things that weigh on the mind but never end up serving any good purpose.
The following equation governs in all cases:
For those who may be confused by such a complex expression, it may be helpful to further elaborate. One calculates their Total Mail Back (TMB) by adding their Physical Mail Backs (PMBs) to their Virtual Mail Backs (VMBs). Hopefully that clarifies matters.
As further detailed below, conventional unit analyses will not necessary when computing one’s TMB. However, a more detailed explanation as to the key differences between PMBs and VMBs may shed light on some of the subtleties.
Context
Providing accurate and meaningful answers to a TMB inquiry is of utmost importance. The future long term success of the Travel Superlight Agency depends on it. The powers that be must be able to compare relative successes of various details across a wide spectrum of missions taking place in completely different settings and circumstances, all with a singular end goal of minimizing future risks of dismal failure.
Given the KPI’s overall importance in the grand scheme of things, an agent-in-training (AIT) must delve deeper into the subject matter to fully appreciate differences between PMBs snd VMBs before they ease on down, ease on down the road, carrying nothing that might be a load. Careful study allows the cadet to formulate solid characterizations that stand up to the test of time, namely the intense scrutiny they’ll receive throughout their careers in the seemingly endless string of mission debriefs.
Physical Mail Back (PMB)
Composition
Fortunately, Physical Mail Back (PMB) is really easy to understand. It’s calculated as the sum total weight of all physical objects that have been declared “completely useless” for the current task at hand and are shipped back home as unnecessary burdens.
PMBs are mostly comprised of belongings that a field agent brings from Headquarters that they’d first thought would be indispensable but prove later to be utterly useless. Such items can be identified by actively listening to telltale doubts and questions that surface on a journey such as “why on earth did I bring this?!” or “what was I even thinking…”
However, one would be mistaken if they think that’s all there is to it. On occasion, a field agent will make questionable purchases while abroad. As far as these extra acquired trinkets are concerned, when calculating one’s aggregate PMB, it’s important to include only doodads that do not meaningfully contribute to the overall success of the mission. In contrast, any deely bobs that one purchases that do indeed prove to have a rightful place on the journey should be specifically excluded from the sum.
As an illustration of such inclusions and exclusions, one would typically exclude from their PMB the weight of an “I Luv to Koh Phi Phi, Do You?” souvenir magnet bound for the refrigerator door back home, for such a unique priceless one-of-a-kind treasure would carry meaningful purpose on the overseas assignment itself, serving up daily doses of inspiration to all who lay eyes on it.
However, in contrast, one would include the mass of an expedition-weight puffy down jacket that a field agent takes to Waikiki. The key difference is that the item wasn’t picked up mid-mission. Rather, the article had been deliberately added to the backpack at Headquarters as a knee jerk reaction to the “well, you never know” reasoning which all too often sneaks in at weak moments.
Also, it’s important to include in one’s PMB figure the weight of useless whirly gigs that were given away or tossed in the trash during the course of travel. (Although, one should note that such wastefulness is frowned upon at the Travel Superlight Agency. A knickknack an agent parts with may have ended up proving indispensable to another on a completely different detail. As such, the TSA has coined a wonderful mnemonic in the form of an original proverb to keep this front and center in an agent’s mind: “One ultralight minimalist traveler’s trash may ultimately prove to be, if one were to think about all the possible outings that one may undertake as an employee of the Travel Superlight Agency, another ultralight minimalist traveler’s treasure,” or OUMTTMUPTBIOWTTAATPOTOMUAAEOTTSAAUMTT for short - TM, all rights reserved.)
Measurement
To arrive at an accurate PMB total, an agent must know the weights of the items they mail back. Measurements may be obtained from sources such as balances, scales, tags, the internet, common knowledge, word of mouth, or lacking any of these, by simply employing one’s wild-ass guess.
In formulating a representative PMB figure, the mixing of engineering units is strongly encouraged. After all, increased complexity allows one to more accurately portray subtle nuances of a difficult situation.
At first blush, one may mistakenly believe that more common units in wide circulation such as “ounces” or “grams” would be most useful and applicable. However, a wealth of experience has shown that alternative units, such as “slugs” and “stones,” are far more effective at describing the weight of certain knickknacks over others.
As an example, a clearer mental picture is formed when one expresses the weight of their socks in “shekels.” Using other units would be inappropriate, and quite frankly, a bit foolish. Similarly, the weight of a full size bowling ball one stashes at the bottom of their ultralight minimalist pack is best measured in “poods.” The choice is clear. Conveying the right information with the right units at the right time keeps everyone from having to pull out their clunky unit conversion tools to make sense of it all.
Virtual Mail Back (VMB)
Composition
The companion term to the PMB is the Virtual Mail Back (VMB). Simply put, the VMB is a compact expression that describes the total set of immaterial items one may be lugging around the world as excess mental baggage. Examples include firmly held misbeliefs, perseverations occupying too much bandwidth, and other elusive intangibles that’ve been deployed for a given assignment but are later proven to be wholly false, misleading, erratic or extraneous.
Importantly, the VMB may be found to impart just as “heavy” a load as the weighty physical items one carries. This is particularly true for any abstractions that consume an inordinate amount of time, mental energy, and/or overall effort to set up, maintain, and otherwise manage while out on the open road. Frustratingly, despite the extraordinary energies that were likely expended to bundle up the myriad of fragmented items in preparation for one’s assignment, all too often these carefully curated VMBs fall completely unused.
One of the best examples of a VMB is a super well-curated podcast library that’s been custom tailored for the trip but ends up quietly sitting around the back corner of your phone in a state of complete and utter disuse. The same could be said for crafty masterpieces such as lengthy musical playlists customized for the long journey ahead, vast e-book libraries containing hand-picked selections relevant to your destination, and even Netflix download queues that ultimately just sit around collecting digital dust.
Importantly, one’s VMB will also include any thoughts or obsessions that might cause undue stress, worry, or fret. One may find the cumulative mental burden of such unproductive scattered thoughts to be far heavier than their physical load.
Measurement
Unlike its close cousin which can be seen and touched, the VMB isn’t measured as a physical weight but is, instead, simply expressed as narrative sidebar commentary that qualitatively describes the overall mental excesses of a trip.
Though not numerical, one would be sadly mistaken if they were to think that the VMB expression would be unitless. Common units in wide circulation that often accompany a VMB description include such helpful order-of-magnitude metrics such as “so”, “totally”, “kinda”, and sometimes even “not even.” More creative and unconventional units may be used to add extra flair and emphasis but these are mostly reserved for the younger generations.
When crafting a VMB, one may find it quite helpful to include an occasional special character like “!” and “?” to properly express full meaning. Emojis may also be used, especially by newcomers to the scene (however, it’s important to note the TSA has banned certain emojis on account of overuse). As is often the case, combining symbols, emojis and special characters will be the most effective way to form a complete and accurate VMB expression. A great example of this would be to append a response with “and a bunch of other $#!+.”
Total Expression
So as not to lose anything in translation while calculating the TMB, one simply “squishes together” all the various descriptors and units that make up their PMBs and VMBs. Summing isn’t just for numbers, after all. For the sake of brevity, more compact TMB expressions may be obtained by minimizing tediousness, reducing wordiness, removing extra spaces, shrinking font sizes, and deleting dittographies dittographies, duplications, repetitiousness, repetitions, and redundancies.
It’s important to realize that a TMB may come in many different shapes and sizes. Best answers are often formed from a unique mix of alpha, numeric, symbols and other special characters, arranged in such a fashion so that they can be easily interpreted by the layman. However, on occasion, a more complex mission will beg a more confusing syntax of words, mixed characters, and symbols that, at the squint of the eye, may resemble complex programming code.
Further, it’s not always necessary to include both terms. Sometimes either the PMB or VMB will completely drop out of the equation, providing great relief to those that may have been hoping for simple math. For basic missions, the TMB may be comprised of only a few PMBs with no VMBs at all. For example, a TMB could distill down to something simple like this: “that sorry-ass star chart, a textbook for a class I’m not even taking, and this sweaty brick of Velveeta no one wants to touch.”
For those new to the scene, it’ll be important to remember that any efforts to condense a TMB expression using tools like conventional dimensional analysis will be completely fruitless. Such attempts will only end in total frustration. The TSA suggests leaving such boring and mundane practices to engineers, scientists, and mathematicians for handling trivial matters. There’ll be no time for such lollygagging. Besides, it’s been proven time and time again that the best course of action is to keep one’s TMB “random and well-mixed” so that one can focus on more important tasks (like having fun) than having to spend time ineffectively condensing an intricate complexity down into a crass characterization.
Sensitivity Analysis
Amongst the whole host of KPIs the TSA uses to track performance, it’s amazing how much a TMB score will vary between different field agents, and even between consecutive assignments of any particular team member. Naturally, field agents should aspire to achieve the super lofty goal of obtaining a perfect TMB score of “Zippo.” However, as recent studies suggest, this will never occur.
To provide solid answers to the many “what-if” questions that often surface with one’s TMB, the TSA performed a sensitivity analysis on the metric. In the work, researchers dug way back into the archives and performed a comprehensive review of Agency ticker tapes, circular charts, log books, and other important anecdotes occupying the historical record. Investigations revealed that, over the long storied history of the Travel Superlight Agency, there’s never been an agent who’s actually scored “Zippo” on their TMB. In fact, the plotted data reveals that the metric follows an asymptotic curve.
Though it’s well established that a KPI result of “Zippo” is actually unattainable, it never hurts anyone to try. In fact, such a worthy target often represent an all-too-compelling challenge for the ultralight minimalist traveler. Such a monumental accomplishment would, without a shadow of doubt, be fully celebrated with a spectacular wingding. What better carrot is there than that?
Conclusion
There’s no single KPI under direct control of a field agent that provides better immediate feedback as to how one’s doing than the TMB (aside from sudden onsets of sore achey feelings in one’s shoulders). Employing a bit of mindfulness and a pocket-sized hysteresis loop, one will likely find there’s plenty of room for improving their TMB score.
Inspiringly futile as it may be, it should be the goal of any respectable field agent to return to Headquarters carrying only those items that they took with them at the outset and that they’d made full use of over the course of their journeys.
For seasoned veterans, there’s never been a more worthy pursuit than finding new ways to fine tune one’s pack to constantly better their aggregate TMB score. Even the tiniest of successes in such endeavors should be fully acknowledged and cherished, for the overall cumulative effect of such small gains will surely be felt on each and every subsequent journey. The future has never felt lighter.
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K - OK. I think that’s a wrap. Please give it a once over and let me know what you think. Thank you so much!
Off to class. Want anything from Vegas before I take off? How about a pair of bright red fuzzy dice to hang from your rearview mirror? No?! Okay. I’m surprised. But that’s OK. I suppose there’s more than a decent chance that they’d end up in your TMB…
Cheers,
J